Freudian Flips

Daily Prompt

Its a beautiful place, with mountains, greenery and a cool breeze. I’m in our red Honda car with my husband, who does not look at all like my actual husband (MG)! He has a huge white beard, white eyebrows, and is wearing a white cap. We drive up till a security checkpoint, of sorts. A man peers inside, looks at us with a piercing gaze. My heart is ready to jump out of my body, when he finally gives us the all clear. I rejoice, a bit too soon. We are stopped by another guard who calls out to the earlier one and informs him that he made a mistake in clearing us. I realize these people are from a rival mafia group. MG realizes this too, and presses on the accelerator.. swerving the car away from the guard and zooming ahead. We drive 1-2 km, when i tell him ‘Oh honey, just change the car’s color. We’ll be fine. They are looking for a red car.. change it to white.” He presses a button and the car is now white, and we are safe.

I woke up, with a pounding heart, but was relieved to find out that MG didn’t have a white beard! Phew. Thank God, it was just a dream. I related the dream to MG, and his comment was – How did you see the color of the car while sitting inside it??! Ummm.. The same way I saw you with blue eyes instead of brown, a white beard, white eyebrows and a white cap (He was wearing a white shirt and white pant too, if you people are interested in knowing!!).

The one interpretation from this dream is that lately, I am obsessed with the color white. MG gifted me a white phone, and I freaked out trying to explain to him how difficult it will be for me to keep it white! I polish it everyday, wipe my hands before touching it.. the works! So, “white” seems to be my latest worry!!

As to the part concerning us belonging to a mafia gang, and running away from the rivals – I have no explanation for this. Maybe its my favorite emotion, Fear, playing up again! Or maybe it’s an indication that I need more adventure in my life!

 

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An ounce of home

I have always dreamed of going on a world tour. If only I could overcome my irrational fears (How will the husband manage? Can we afford it? Will I be safe Alone? Blah Blah Blah). Today’s daily prompt (An ounce of home), allows me to fantasize about it though! I have a habit of travelling light. So light that at times I find I don’t have enough clothes or have packed only running shoes with no thought to what I would wear with the dresses (And am not making this up!).

But I would still travel light. That’s a part of the adventure 🙂 But what is the one thing I would take with me to remind me of home? Two things actually.IMG_20140619_193405

 

My kindle – gifted by my sister, and my spectacles- gifted by the husband (Yeah, I too was surprised at his choice of frames!). These are the two things without which I can’t travel, as I would be blind and bored! Necessity combined with the added memories of the people who gifted them – perfect for travelling light 🙂

Instant Celebrity

In a country that is crazy about Bollywood and cricket, it is strange that I have never really admired any of the celebrities. Probably that is why I was in a fix when today’s daily prompt (Instant Celebrity) asked us: If you could be a famous person for a day, who would you be? Why?

After  a lot of head scratching and being flabbergasted at my complete lack of desire to be a celebrity, it struck me. I would like to be J.K Rowling for a day. I am not interested in her celebrity life though. What i want is to understand how her brain works and her thought process!

Dementors, Thestrals, Patronuses, Griffins, Animagus….

How did you conjure these, Mrs Rowling, how? Is it possible for human imagination to think of a whole new world? The other popular fantasy book series, Twilight, is not as creative and non-muggle (for the lack of a better word) as Harry Potter. For a person who swears by logic, it is fascinating that people can think up such fantastic things. Oh, how free and happy I would be if I could figure out how to give wings to my imagination. Any suggestions, Mrs Rowling?

Unsafe Containers

The only thing we have to fear is fear itself.
Franklin D. Roosevelt

Any book that you continue to think about, long after you’ve finished it.. is an amazing book. One such book is “The lies we told” by Diane Chamberlain. If you like reading about human emotions and relationships, I highly recommend this book. It explores sibling bonds, the yearning to have your own biological child, the lengths to which one can go to save a marriage, and a very powerful emotion, fear.  The highlight of one of the main characters, Maya, is her deep rooted fears. Mainly the fear of losing a loved one (her sister, husband, her yet-to-born child). The fear has shaped her personality, and influenced each of her decisions, be it the choice of career or her choice of life partner.

While thinking about Maya and her decisions, I came across this daily prompt – Unsafe Containers. Which emotion do I find the most difficult to contain? Undoubtedly, it is fear. Specifically, the fear of failure, the fear of being ridiculed. Fear is not like anger or jealousy, that makes one take impulsive decisions or say things they may regret later. But, according to me, it is a more powerful emotion than others. It makes you take decisions, based solely on fear. The fear becomes so much a part of you, that its difficult to view or understand a situation separately from the fear!

Should I learn driving? No, what if I bang the car? Or worse, Kill someone? I’ll manage with public transport. I fail to see how un-safe public transport in India can be.

Should I cook a three course meal for my visiting in-laws? No, what if it is not to their taste? What if they hate the food? I fail to see how sweet and fun-loving my in-laws are, and also the fact that in two years of marriage they have never belittled me.

Should I expand my business? No, what if I mess it all up? I fail to see that my work is very much appreciated by my clients and that the chances for my business expansion being successful are pretty high.

My life has become a constant struggle against my fear of failure / rejection. I spend years dealing with the issue, slowly opening the lid of the unsafe containers. Friends and relatives tell me that its a lack of self confidence that’s the problem. I agree. I lack self confidence due to the inherent fears, and the lack of self confidence feeds those fears. So, its a vicious circle 🙂

I’m learning to overcome them slowly, with the loving support of my husband and family. Will I be able to contain it? Follow this space to know!

What about you? Which is the emotion you find most difficult to contain?

 

Futures Past

On a rare spring cleaning day, I came across a slambook from school days. They used to be fun to fill up, but I didn’t know they would be fun to read decades later! Specially the question “What is your ambition?”. It got me thinking on how many of us actually end up in the career we dreamt of as a child?

In case you’re wondering, the answer to the above question (at least in the case of my batchmates) is about 15%! Some very pertinent points:

  • 90% of us mentioned doctors or engineers as our choice. Not a surprise, considering we Indians are obsessed with getting our 2 year old child to say he/she wants to become a doctor in future.
  • The two batchmates who are actually doctors now, did not dream of becoming one!
  • None of us wanted to venture into the creative field. No painters, writers, designers. It can be argued that its hard to make money in these fields, but the most successful (and famous) amongst my batchmates is a fashion designer (she originally wished to be a doctor!).
  • One very smart friend wrote “Anything that makes me rich and famous”. I wonder if she was the smartest of us all. She is currently a renowned print journalist.

As for me, I wished to become a computer engineer, but I gave up science in college and switched to B.Com, inspite of having cleared the state engineering entrance exams! Why, you ask? Good question, and one to which I have no definite answer! I struggled so much with calculus, projectiles, and trigonometry in class twelve, that somewhere deep within me I knew I could not take four more years of them, in much much greater detail! So what did I end up becoming? A freelance financial writer, something that I didn’t know one could become!

So, more often than not, life does not go according to plan. The smart ones are those who quickly find Plan B, C, D instead of sulking. Be open to changes, open to listening to your voice instead of that of your peers or elders. Like Confucius said,
Choose a job you love, and you will never have to work a day in your life.

In response to a Daily prompt, “Futures Past”
http://dailypost.wordpress.com/dp_prompt/futures-past/

Aadarsh, really?

No, I do not consider myself to be an ‘Aadarsh Naari’. But, considering the fact that I have tried (and mostly failed) for three decades to become one, I thought it was apt that I name my blog this. After all, each one of us aspires to become perfect – the perfect wife, the perfect bahu (Daughter-in-Law), the perfect mother, the perfect employee, the perfect thousand and one other roles that we play each day!

Perfection slowly takes over our lives. Did I proofread the report before emailing? Did I warm the baby’s milk enough? Oh wait, hope I din’t warm it too much? Does my cooking provide us all the needed nutrition? Should I ditch ghee and switch over to olive oil (or the latest fad of Canola oil)? Should I vacuum again to avoid asthma problems?

Ring the bells that still can ring
Forget your perfect offering.
There is a crack in everything,
That’s how the light gets in.

~Leonard Cohen

This blog is a celebration of my not-so-perfect yet immensely fulfilling life. The girl who failed to be an aadarsh naari, did not obtain 99.xxx % in her boards, did not become a doctor / engineer, did not choose a traditional career, did not marry the traditional way, is not the traditional indian wife / bahu.

Do you too seek perfection amongst your imperfections? Come, lets celebrate our perfect flaws, together, and ponder over the flaws in the oh-so perfect society!