Freudian Flips

Daily Prompt

Its a beautiful place, with mountains, greenery and a cool breeze. I’m in our red Honda car with my husband, who does not look at all like my actual husband (MG)! He has a huge white beard, white eyebrows, and is wearing a white cap. We drive up till a security checkpoint, of sorts. A man peers inside, looks at us with a piercing gaze. My heart is ready to jump out of my body, when he finally gives us the all clear. I rejoice, a bit too soon. We are stopped by another guard who calls out to the earlier one and informs him that he made a mistake in clearing us. I realize these people are from a rival mafia group. MG realizes this too, and presses on the accelerator.. swerving the car away from the guard and zooming ahead. We drive 1-2 km, when i tell him ‘Oh honey, just change the car’s color. We’ll be fine. They are looking for a red car.. change it to white.” He presses a button and the car is now white, and we are safe.

I woke up, with a pounding heart, but was relieved to find out that MG didn’t have a white beard! Phew. Thank God, it was just a dream. I related the dream to MG, and his comment was – How did you see the color of the car while sitting inside it??! Ummm.. The same way I saw you with blue eyes instead of brown, a white beard, white eyebrows and a white cap (He was wearing a white shirt and white pant too, if you people are interested in knowing!!).

The one interpretation from this dream is that lately, I am obsessed with the color white. MG gifted me a white phone, and I freaked out trying to explain to him how difficult it will be for me to keep it white! I polish it everyday, wipe my hands before touching it.. the works! So, “white” seems to be my latest worry!!

As to the part concerning us belonging to a mafia gang, and running away from the rivals – I have no explanation for this. Maybe its my favorite emotion, Fear, playing up again! Or maybe it’s an indication that I need more adventure in my life!

 

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Unsafe Containers

The only thing we have to fear is fear itself.
Franklin D. Roosevelt

Any book that you continue to think about, long after you’ve finished it.. is an amazing book. One such book is “The lies we told” by Diane Chamberlain. If you like reading about human emotions and relationships, I highly recommend this book. It explores sibling bonds, the yearning to have your own biological child, the lengths to which one can go to save a marriage, and a very powerful emotion, fear.  The highlight of one of the main characters, Maya, is her deep rooted fears. Mainly the fear of losing a loved one (her sister, husband, her yet-to-born child). The fear has shaped her personality, and influenced each of her decisions, be it the choice of career or her choice of life partner.

While thinking about Maya and her decisions, I came across this daily prompt – Unsafe Containers. Which emotion do I find the most difficult to contain? Undoubtedly, it is fear. Specifically, the fear of failure, the fear of being ridiculed. Fear is not like anger or jealousy, that makes one take impulsive decisions or say things they may regret later. But, according to me, it is a more powerful emotion than others. It makes you take decisions, based solely on fear. The fear becomes so much a part of you, that its difficult to view or understand a situation separately from the fear!

Should I learn driving? No, what if I bang the car? Or worse, Kill someone? I’ll manage with public transport. I fail to see how un-safe public transport in India can be.

Should I cook a three course meal for my visiting in-laws? No, what if it is not to their taste? What if they hate the food? I fail to see how sweet and fun-loving my in-laws are, and also the fact that in two years of marriage they have never belittled me.

Should I expand my business? No, what if I mess it all up? I fail to see that my work is very much appreciated by my clients and that the chances for my business expansion being successful are pretty high.

My life has become a constant struggle against my fear of failure / rejection. I spend years dealing with the issue, slowly opening the lid of the unsafe containers. Friends and relatives tell me that its a lack of self confidence that’s the problem. I agree. I lack self confidence due to the inherent fears, and the lack of self confidence feeds those fears. So, its a vicious circle 🙂

I’m learning to overcome them slowly, with the loving support of my husband and family. Will I be able to contain it? Follow this space to know!

What about you? Which is the emotion you find most difficult to contain?